My Date Doesn’t Want to Settle Down, Should I Sleep with Him Anyway?

Thursday, 08 September 2016 - 12:52:20 WIB
By : Magdalene | Category: Ask Madge - 1778 hits
Ask Madge
Dear Madge,

I am a 23 years old woman and I'm currently seeing someone. We met through the internet, I know to some people it sounds unbelievable to meet someone from there but to be honest we are connected to internet almost 24/7 it shouldn't come as a surprise. Anyway, I've been single for 2 years before I met him. We first talked on the messaging app before we decided to meet.

The first date, went amazing. We had lunch and everything. Second date, we decided to go work on our own stuff together (me on my finals since I'm in grad school and him on his work). After a month and a half, we had our third date, and went back to his place to watch some movies.

I need to note this that he's very open minded about sex. I'd like to think that I am. I'm a virgin, but my stance is that I'm not going to plan on when to lose my virginity. I'm going give it to someone that I care and love deeply at the right time, whether it's before or after marriage.

We got into a heavy make out session. He knows where I stand on having sexual intercourse and we cuddled afterwards. When we were cuddling, there's a lot of things going on in my mind. I'm a very emotional person and I'm easily attached emotionally. And I kept thinking I couldn't do it although I want to because I can't go through a heartbreak as he already stated that he's not settling down kind of guy. I don't need to settle down fast but I just need some assurance that he's at least serious with me. I'm deeply confused with my current state right now. Help me shed some light.

Very confused,

RA



Dear RA,

It’s perfectly normal to be confused about what you want when it comes to the first time. It probably means you are not ready. The most important thing is that the sex is consensual and that you feel good about it, instead of guilty or anxious or regretful.

You said yourself that although you don’t need to settle down now, you just need some assurance that he’s serious with you. The fact that he tells you upfront that he doesn’t see himself settling down is a more than just a hint that he doesn’t see your relationship being that serious, at least for now. But feelings change; people change.

So, the way I see it, you have two options: either continue seeing him to see where you are going and decide later whether or not you want to have sex with him; or be realistic and not have expectation of him at all. The latter will give you more freedom to end your relationship with him or to continue with the knowledge that he wouldn’t settle down with you, even if you do decide to have sex with him later on. That last option, however, is easier said than done. When it comes to sex, emotion often clouds our judgment.

I would highly recommend that you give it a few more dates to see how you really feel about him and how he really feels about you. You’re at a very early stage of a relationship. I think you need to get to know each other more (than just online) to be able to gauge your real feelings for each other. After seeing him more, perhaps you even decide that he’s not for you. The sex can wait, believe me. You have your whole life ahead to have a lot of good sex. So when you do it for the first time, you want to make sure that you feel good about it.

Good luck!

~M

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COMMENTS
inge | 14 February 2017 | 15:20:40 WIB
I can't help but to comment on this because this is just too similar with me. If I can share my experience to prevent someone's heart break, I would be very happy.

Basically, if he already stated that he's not planning to settle down, believe him. By my experience, nothing can change it. It means he's not seeing anything worth settling down in you. He told you before so he can get away with it when you started to 'demand' more. "I told you I'm not ready." He would make the attachment you feel (later) is your own fault. I know, it is very tempting to think that he would eventually fall in love with you. You know you are a good enough. You know he is interested enough with you to make out with you or for another dates.
inge | 14 February 2017 | 15:21:11 WIB
But, the question is: are you ready if he still not gonna settle with you in the end? Will you be okay if one day you see him with another woman? You know your self, "I'm a very emotional person and I'm easily attached emotionally." This kind of relationship is not for us, the easily attached person. I thought I could handle it before, because I like the man THAT much. But I can't and I'm still paying the pain of heart breaks until now.

So, one more time: When a man says he is not ready for a relationship, trust him.

Wish you well :)















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