I had never thought it would take a middle-aged sex addict to help me regain my self-esteem.
Don’t get me wrong, I do have standards and he was a damn good-looking chap with a flashy career. Nonetheless, this sex-hungry dude was far from the ideal man I had in mind when I first began my online dating adventure in Jakarta.
After breaking up with my boyfriend two years ago, I went through a brief period of grieving and low self-esteem, and I decided to vent my frustration on keyboard and screen through Wi-Fi. Like most other successful women in mid 30s, I went online with love and husband materials in mind. Instead, I met this sex machine, who introduced me to this idea of – for a lack of better words and to avoid sounding crude – ‘bed buddy’. With his mastery skills and charming persona, the sex addict dude made me feel wanted and rebound my self-confidence.
Fast-forward two years, after more than a dozen of ‘bed buddies’, two of whom I dated exclusively, I feel that I have grown sexually and strangely feel empowered with the conscious choices I make in sex and dating.
I have become more selective in using the word ‘love’, replacing it with ‘fun time’ when necessary. This prevents me from being a nagging woman who feels the need to have deep emotional connections to her dates. Instead, I have become a sexually curious one. Because nagging is unattractive.
After joining five different dating sites, I can confidently say that I’m an expert in online dating and sex relationship now. I can analyze from the first “hi”, whether he just wants to have fun, he’s a scammer, or he’s interested to meet and willing to explore possibilities beyond sex.
Sure, you can call me a late bloomer. But it's better to feel sexually empowered at later age, rather than not having the experience at all. I do envision marital life. But I don't see myself locked in a marriage that restrains my sexual awakenings, at least not now.
I have no qualm about online dating, it’s just another platform to meet and greet. I’m a woman who enjoys working, with active social life and nonpublic charity activities. Just like my sexual adventures, I don't flaunt my charity life on popular social media either. I never fear being called a gold digger just because I go online and strictly want to meet other successful (and hot looking) men. It’s just my preference. With my busy schedule, I simply don’t have enough time to meet new people everyday, I don’t have the chances and the luxury in real life. That’s something that online dating offers.
How can you recognize the initial intentions from the start? Well, surprise, surprise, the intention is always sex at first. Then comes the harder part: do you click with him? What are his life views or his hobbies? Does he have marriage vision? Is he a monogamist? Is he digitally aware of daily updates? How he is dressed, what he reads, what’s his faith – do you have any objections to them?
These can be intriguing, yet fun. If you’re not strong enough, most probably you will end up wanting him and being needy, just because he sleeps with you, while he won’t. For me, this isn’t necessary. Give yourself sometimes to digest all of that and try to detach from the instant lovey feelings you have after sex. Only then you can be rational.
Through this detachment exercise, I could fly to Lao and meet this silly sexy ginger man and had a blast (we went exclusive for about 6 months), or go trekking in Kashmir with this bright fun dude (involving some outdoor sex that felt liberating), or did private yoga for 2 weeks in Bali with a super funny yogi, and be my only self whenever I go back in town. Sex is only a door opening for these opportunities.
I have learnt to separate love and sex and I don't feel victimized or cheap. I am still in contact with the middle-aged chap and a couple more, but it’s up to ME whether I want to see them for sex or not. It’s us who are in control after all.
If I can rate the success of my sexual online adventure, it will be like this:
40% long term bed-buddies / hangout friends
25% real relationships / boyfriend-girlfriend stage
35% online friends that will be there if we need online comforting
Have I found what I was looking for from my adventures? I have, but things didn’t work out. They failed and it’s okay. At least now I’m always ready to move on and resume the search for what I’d been looking for: Love.