The reason why I tell you this is because this is always the first song I played when the drug kicked in. I did drugs. I tried almost every drugs existed. And no, I am not proud of it.
I never said, "I did drugs because I'm a child of a broken home" – never. I am fucked up, or, well, I was. I never experienced the joy of being loved by my parents, or maybe I was just being naive.
My parents are divorced. My childhood wasn't great. And I – maybe subconsciously – forgot almost all of my childhood memories. My childhood was dark. Things I remember were just bad memories: my dad slapping my mom, my mom leaving my sisters and me for days or weeks, us being left with our housemaid, stuff like that. I felt emotional when people asked about my family, because my family history is not something to be proud of.
I started smoking when I was in my last year of junior high school. Started smoking weed and taking pills when I was in my first year of high school. Hell, I even tried crystal meth (I hated it). I didn't blame my careless jobless parents – who neither paid for my school nor my college tuition – for what I did. I did it because I wanted to.
Whenever I met my mom, she talked shit and blamed my dad for what happened in the past, and whenever I met my dad, he’d tell me vice versa. This is not something a kid should know, and I ended up think that I bore some responsibility to make the situation better. Dear mom and dad, I do not wanna know your issues. The ego my parents have is ridiculous, they never thought of how I felt when I heard things I didn't want to know and should never know. I hated myself. At some point in life I wished I hadn't been born at all, literally.
Probably the reason why I did drugs was because I hated myself. I just wanted to escape from reality or to feel relaxed, or to have something to do rather than overthink everything. I overthink everything, but when I took pills, I felt relaxed and felt like everything would be okay.
I was a shy kid and an introvert. My family thought I was a nice girl, I didn't talk much with them, just small talks at family gatherings. My issues are my problems, and I never seek attention. I hate attention. I prefer to keep it all to myself. Doing drugs was a way to escape from my problems, with my headset on.
I live with my grandparents whom I really love, but I still feel like something is missing. The love I get from my grandparents are different and I simply just want to know how it feels to be loved by my parents. I did not know if they really care about me and love me when they said it, since I never felt that way. I never asked much, just a "how are you?" text, a hug, a kiss on the forehead, someone who would listen to my stories – since they NEVER listened, a "sorry for not being great parents". Or maybe that’s too much to ask?
The first day of sobriety was hard. I woke up and 10 minutes later I felt like I was dying. I didn't want to depend on drugs. I realized I am more than that.
But with a history of fucked up parents and childhood, I might have ended up being wiser. I didn't say I was a nice kid for being an understanding kid, but, to be honest, I’ve learned a lot from my parents.
I’ve learned that I do not want my future kids to end up like me. I’ve learned that I have to be more than my parents. I’ve learned that I have to be a more understanding kid for my parents. I’ve learned that I should beat my ego in order to make others happy. I’ve learned that I need to listen to people when they talk to me or tell me stories. I’ve learned that I have to be a less judgmental person. I’ve learned a lot of things. I'm a more positive person now.
I took chill pills almost everyday and on and off for almost three years. Now I have been clean and sober for three months with some help from my friends and boyfriend, which, for me, is a big achievement.
At first I thought being sober would make the feelings more painful, and it’s true, when you’re under the influence of a substance you temporarily feel relieved and the fear and dread are gone. But then I realized that when the substance wore off, the fear would return even worse and I need it more and more. The first day of sobriety was hard. I woke up and 10 minutes later I felt like I was dying. I didn't want to depend on drugs. I realized I am more than that.
I love and care about myself now. I thank my parents for making me who I am right now. Because I know, loving yourself for what you are is not as easy as it sounds. And I love me. I love myself. And I want to be the best version of me.
cybergoth93 is an average 22-year-old college student in her last year who spends 90 percent of her time on the Internet. She is also a Mexican food enthusiast.