I write this as I listen to Aphex Twin's “Alberto Balsalm” on repeat, one of my favorite songs after Trespassers William's cover of “Ride's Vapour Trail” and New Order's “Ceremony”. I'm really into music (who doesn't?), but I am talking legit into music here. Especially when it comes to escaping from my problems, as cheesy as it sounds.
The reason why I tell you this is because this is always the first song I played when the drug kicked in. I did drugs. I tried almost every drugs existed. And no, I am not proud of it.
I never said, "I did drugs because I'm a child of a broken home" – never. I am fucked up, or, well, I was. I never experienced the joy of being loved by my parents, or maybe I was just being naive.
My parents are divorced. My childhood wasn't great. And I – maybe subconsciously – forgot almost all of my childhood memories. My childhood was dark. Things I remember were just bad memories: my dad slapping my mom, my mom leaving my sisters and me for days or weeks, us being left with our housemaid, stuff like that. I felt emotional when people asked about my family, because my family history is not something to be proud of.
I started smoking when I was in my last year of junior high school. Started smoking weed and taking pills when I was in my first year of high school. Hell, I even tried crystal meth (I hated it). I didn't blame my careless jobless parents – who neither paid for my school nor my college tuition – for what I did. I did it because I wanted to.
Whenever I met my mom, she talked shit and blamed my dad for what happened in the past, and whenever I met my dad, he’d tell me vice versa. This is not something a kid should know, and I ended up think that I bore some responsibility to make the situation better. Dear mom and dad, I do not wanna know your issues. The ego my parents have is ridiculous, they never thought of how I felt when I heard things I didn't want to know and should never know. I hated myself. At some point in life I wished I hadn't been born at all, literally.
Probably the reason why I did drugs was because I hated myself. I just wanted to escape from reality or to feel relaxed, or to have something to do rather than overthink everything. I overthink everything, but when I took pills, I felt relaxed and felt like everything would be okay.
I was a shy kid and an introvert. My family thought I was a nice girl, I didn't talk much with them, just small talks at family gatherings. My issues are my problems, and I never seek attention. I hate attention. I prefer to keep it all to myself. Doing drugs was a way to escape from my problems, with my headset on.
I live with my grandparents whom I really love, but I still feel like something is missing. The love I get from my grandparents are different and I simply just want to know how it feels to be loved by my parents. I did not know if they really care about me and love me when they said it, since I never felt that way. I never asked much, just a "how are you?" text, a hug, a kiss on the forehead, someone who would listen to my stories – since they NEVER listened, a "sorry for not being great parents". Or maybe that’s too much to ask?
The first day of sobriety was hard. I woke up and 10 minutes later I felt like I was dying. I didn't want to depend on drugs. I realized I am more than that.
But with a history of fucked up parents and childhood, I might have ended up being wiser. I didn't say I was a nice kid for being an understanding kid, but, to be honest, I’ve learned a lot from my parents.
I’ve learned that I do not want my future kids to end up like me. I’ve learned that I have to be more than my parents. I’ve learned that I have to be a more understanding kid for my parents. I’ve learned that I should beat my ego in order to make others happy. I’ve learned that I need to listen to people when they talk to me or tell me stories. I’ve learned that I have to be a less judgmental person. I’ve learned a lot of things. I'm a more positive person now.
I took chill pills almost everyday and on and off for almost three years. Now I have been clean and sober for three months with some help from my friends and boyfriend, which, for me, is a big achievement.
At first I thought being sober would make the feelings more painful, and it’s true, when you’re under the influence of a substance you temporarily feel relieved and the fear and dread are gone. But then I realized that when the substance wore off, the fear would return even worse and I need it more and more. The first day of sobriety was hard. I woke up and 10 minutes later I felt like I was dying. I didn't want to depend on drugs. I realized I am more than that.
I love and care about myself now. I thank my parents for making me who I am right now. Because I know, loving yourself for what you are is not as easy as it sounds. And I love me. I love myself. And I want to be the best version of me.