Insecure, intimidated, scared, and never good enough.
If these feelings describe your relationship, it’s likely you’re being emotionally abused.
“Every person shows love in a different way.” This statement may be responsible for the way girls normalize the behavior of their partners, making the situation worse.
Abusers think controlling their partners’ life means caring and loving, but there’s a difference between caring and being possessive. When your partner demands you to always tell him where you are, what you’re doing and who’s with you, they crossed the healthy boundaries.
This kind of partner does that do that out love–he wants to make sure that you’re his, that he is your only priority, and that all your attention goes to him. Everything else doesn’t matter. The longer you let him do this, the worse he will become. You will have no time for your family, friends, even worse for yourself. If he really loves you, he will understand and respect your space as an individual.
Emotional abuser will slowly kill you on the inside. You may still be breathing, but he creates a hell on earth for you. Your mental health is as important as your physical health. Though wound can’t be seen on your physical appearance, you are bleeding inside.
I have a female friend who was in a six-year relationship with her ex-boyfriend.
Throughout their relationship, her ex was always very suspicious, accusing her of cheating, although it was he who turned out to have been cheating on her. He changed all the time. One day he could be sweet, but the next day very angry. He forced her to do things she didn’t want to, and asked her to buy him things he wanted. He monitored everything she did on all the social media platforms. The few times she tried to talk to him, like asking him to be more polite, he accused her of being too controlling.
“He almost killed me,” she said. He threatened to kill her and her family at least three times.
She spent her whole high-school life dealing with extreme anxiety, and depression. Her depression almost made her want to end her life.
“I went to see a doctor a few times, because the pain in my stomach wouldn’t go. The last time the doctor told me I should go to a psychiatrist, because there was nothing in my stomach. It was more likely caused by my depression,” she said.
“All my friends told me I deserved so much more than this. I was blind and couldn’t see it. But I secretly felt thankful for them.”
Her story made me think of the seriousness of emotional abuse and also the fact that most people don’t consider it a big problem. I conducted a little online survey and found that 75 percent of girls responded that the main reason they stayed in unhealthy relationships was their love for their partners.
It’s painful when the one you love turns out to be the one who hurts you.
Waiting for him to change, means letting him take control of your life. His hurtful word, behavior and his inconsistency will drive you crazy and his mistreatment will consume your life.
If you ever feel confused of what you did wrong, it’s not you. There’s something wrong with him, but it isn’t your job to heal him. Don’t doubt yourself and your sanity, because he’s playing with your mind. Don’t get trapped.
Take responsibility for your own life and don’t let your partner stop you from achieving your goals. Start doing the things that you love and respect yourself enough to not let anyone take you for granted. Most importantly: notice the unhealthy signs, and save yourself from the silent killer. Run for your life because love shouldn’t hurt.
Vania Adiella is a 19-year-old student of LSPR Jakarta and a part-time commercial model and soon to be actress. She’s very passionate about empowering women around her through everything she’s working on, one of them is the Instagram campaign: @standup_ladies.