June 02, 2020
Queer Love: Should I Profess My Affection to This Girl?

Is she just being nice, or is she really into me?

by Paramita Mohamad and Downtown Boy
Issues // Relationship
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Dear Magdalene, 

I'm a 20-something lesbian in the closet, I didn't have any LGBT friends in real life, so I don't know where to ask this kind of question. Lately, I've been chatting with my Discord friend, she's a smart girl living in the U.S who is also in her 20's and a lesbian.

At first we only talked about our same interest in a Japanese drama (in which the Discord group is about), and about fanfiction, head canon, and all that fandom stuff. Because of time difference between us, we rarely chatted online except when we had time or when we are both online. But these past six months we've been chatting up almost every day, talking about everything and nothing, mostly about Japanese drama, idol girls, and gay movies. 

She's so kind, polite, and funny. She also writes me some fanfictions based on my random ideas and credits me on that. For the first time, someone appreciates me for being myself and that makes me so happy. 

When she first called me, I went into full gay panicking mode. Gone was my basic English conversational skill. I felt just like a high school girl in love all over again. And when the gay panic subsided, I realized that I had feelings for her.

I'd fallen in love before, with my high school friend who is totally straight. So to finally fall in love with someone who is also a lesbian is something new to me. I know that her being lesbian doesn't mean that she'll reciprocate my feelings, but somehow, I feel like I have a chance with her.

The problem is I don't know for sure if she's just being nice or if she is flirting with me. I mean she's always chatting me up first for these past 6 months, asking me about anything and nothing. 

I don't want to ruin our friendship, as she's a good friend to me and the first lesbian friend that I have ever had, so can you guys please tell me how to make a move on her without ruining our friendship and all? 

Love, 

Fangirl In The Closet.

Read more: The Perks of Dating Apps: A Gay Guy's Discovery


Mita says:

Dear Fangirl,

Thanks for writing and considering us as the second best thing after having gay friends IRL. And reading your email gave me joy. I am happy for your feelings: not just infatuation but appreciated for the first time. 

And, dear Fangirl, go for it. Say what you feel to her. In my book, initiating chats about nothing and everything almost every day for the past 6 months means something more than just a casual friendship, and too tedious for flirtation for the sake of it. In addition, someone who has lived longer and is wiser than me writes this: “Everyone is shy. Other people are waiting for you to introduce yourself to them, they are waiting for you to send them an email, they are waiting for you to ask them on a date. Go ahead.

Read more: The Curious Case of Modern Gay Dating

Also, you are already wise to accept that just because she’s a lesbian doesn’t guarantee that she likes you back. But even if she doesn’t, I am sure your friendship with her will be strong enough not to be destroyed by your honesty. 

This I know for sure: if you have tried your best and things don’t go your way, you will be disappointed. But if you don’t try because you fear things will not go your way, you will regret it. And the thing that’s going to eat you alive is regret, not disappointment. 

Good luck, Fangirl. Let me know how it goes. 

Love,

PM

Paramita is the human of three gorgeous cats who are collectively known as Trias Politicats. Currently she endures working as a communication strategist, trying to save up enough money for her next venture called "The Bikini WaXXXing". Named after a classic hit by Petula Clark, Downtown Boy aka DB is a twenty something hipster trapped in a thirty something gay man's body. He's a regular office worker in Jakarta and his hobbies include listening to oldies and doing physically challenging sports. He used to do martial arts but was forced to stop after he hurt his lower back. All of his friends suspect the injury was triggered by something fishy.