At thirteen, when puberty hit and I had my first period, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. It was weird for me personally to see most girls at the same age starting to kiss and make out with their boyfriend. Still, I developed feelings for someone.
I met him in Middle School—we were classmates. I had no idea how it started. Everything just happened that we became so close. So close were we that some thought we were dating. I did like him as a person and I liked hanging out with him. I liked how he talked like all intelligent kids. He was my favorite person. Things were going well for years until he decided to touch me physically and I slowly began to lose interest in him. In the days after I heard he had sex with another girl. They were officially dating.
Did I regret it? No. I left him for good, and that was the way it was.
So I tried to move on. I can say it was terrible. We no longer looked out for each other on a regular basis. We stopped talking. Somehow, I made myself believe that I was going to get used to it.
I have not changed since then. I did not get why people consider sex as an essential element of a relationship, but gradually I discovered that, apparently, I just don’t have any sexual attraction to anybody. I watched porn, but I didn’t experience the same thing that most people do. I felt like throwing up when I saw the guy squirted his penis on screen. It certainly is not the thrilling stuff I had expected. It was just disgusting.
Whenever I hear people telling me, “You wouldn’t know until you try it,” I am not even intrigued. Somehow, this makes people question me.
Are you a homosexual?
I am not sure. In spite of being unable to be sexually aroused, I frequently get too attached to some men: heartthrob movie stars, the boys-next-door, kind-hearted co-workers, strangers from Tinder. But, never once do I feel the desire to hook up with them. I could never imagine myself naked with someone else.
Have you ever been molested as a child?
Nah. I had a normal childhood and this sexual orientation has nothing to do with my life in the past. I just think that I would never get laid forever.
It’s pretty exhausting to be the only person around who doesn’t develop sexual attraction when a lot of guys want it as the main part in a relationship. I actually don’t mind the idea of having sex, but I couldn’t find the reason why I have to do it. I have neither obsession nor repulsion with penises and vaginas – to me they are just reproduction organs. But no matter how hard I try to explain this, people still don’t understand. They say I have low-libido. That I have health issues That I need to be medically checked.
It seems to be too strange to be asexual in a society saturated by sex, but I just don’t like being touched because it makes me uncomfortable. I do know it’s not cool being single, nor having zero physical contact to someone, but I want to be genuine about my own space. I may face a lot of rejection because of how I feel; I may not fit in. But it doesn’t make me any less than others, does it? And I also believe that someday I will find someone who is supportive enough to have my back. Because there is no shame in not having sex. No shame in being asexual.
Amaliah Black, 21 Year-Old who just discovered herself.