March, 25 2016
Sex Happens, So Stop Slut-Shamming

Betrayed by a friend she hooked up with and consequently slut shamed, she refuses to be blamed and put down.

by La Prima
Issues // Relationship
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This is for anyone who has been slut-shamed or those who have taken part in slut-shaming another human being.

Living in a society that considers pre-marital sex a taboo is difficult. I have experienced being slut-shamed in the past. To me a person’s consensual sexual behaviour and activities are nobody else’s business. Sex is human nature, and not everyone is privileged to have the opportunity to experience sex with their other half.

Virginity was of no importance to me at the age of 21 years old. I was on holiday in my hometown and had been hanging out with my friends. One of them was a guy who had always picked on me in high school. Our drunken encounter was nothing special. That morning, still slightly hungover and with a train to catch, I thought to myself, “That was it?”

After all these years, why was everyone making such a big deal out of it? Looking back now, at least I didn’t lose my virginity to some stranger from a club two years ago. That friend and I remain friends on Facebook.

I know that my experience regarding sexual explorations is not exactly what others would call “normal’. But understanding that the decisions I made in life are of my own, I face the consequences of those actions, and along the way learn to  thread my steps carefully in the future.



Recently, I hooked up with a friend from college. At the time we were both going through a stressfull time in the last year of university. I felt comfortable hanging out with him. We’d been friends for two years, so one evening I trusted him enough to take things further when he kissed me in the car. For an entire week, we had a secret rendezvous in his car and kept our little “friends with benefits” term a secret. It lasted for a week, before things went downhill.

A week of silence went by after an awkward hangout soiree with our group of friends. One of them spoke to me at Seven-Eleven the next day.

“All of us knew that you guys were hooking up. How it happened, when it happened, even where. He told us every single detail,” she said. “He also mentioned a few not so nice details about you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to give you the details,” she continued, “but… he did say more than a few nasty remarks about your body, and pretty much all things that are physical.”

“Tell me.” I spoke in a stern voice, hoping to hide the quiver and the tears.

“He did say, and I quoted, ‘When it happened I just closed my eyes and imagined someone else.’”.

Neither of us spoke after that as I excused myself to go to class.

I guess it was expected of him to brag about it, but making fun of me in front of our friends was cruel. I was not angry, and nor did I regret what happened between us. But I felt betrayed and disappointed.

I confided in my own group of friends who understood me. Those other people were not my friends after all. They were foes hiding behind their laughters and smiles.

Sarah Silverman once said, “As soon as a woman gets to an age where she has opinions and she’s vital and she’s strong, she’s systematically shamed into hiding under a rock.”

Personally, I am not ashamed of what my friend and I had done. I recalled them as fun encounters locked away as bitter memories. I knew people were talking about me, yet nobody asked about it. I felt the need to hold my head high and ignore the whispers that echoed in the wind.

I told myself, sex happens. So what?

I refused to be blamed for and put down because of my sexual activities. The consents I gave were of my own rights. I refused to feel ashamed just because others couldn’t understand.

As Meggie Royer said, “Last time I checked, how much sex a girl has doesn’t justify a label slapped on her like a soup can.”

The most important part of dealing with betrayal and disappointments is to be happy with who you are and to own the truth.

La Prima is an alias taken by a 23-year-old university student, currently living and studying in Jakarta Indonesia. Having grown up in New Zealand, she’s still adapting to the hectic lifestyle of Jakarta. Recently, she started a blog as a platform to create awareness on feminism, and to broaden minds by sharing stories to encourage women and children about Freedom of Self-expression as well as positive thinking through active support from the global community.