November, 18 2015
Should I Stop Sleeping Around to Fall in Love Again?

One and a half months and six one-night stands after her boyfriend dumped her, she felt liberated but also worried that she might be enjoying casual sex too much.

by Magdalene
Lifestyle
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Dear Magdalene,
 
Since I broke up with my previous boyfriend, I’ve had sex with six guys in the last 1.5 months. My previous boyfriend was the one who broke my virginity rule after we met for less than a week (we hadn't even started a relationship when we had sex for the first time). Then suddenly he decided to leave me for reasons that I couldn't comprehend to this day.
 
I first decided to do one-night stands because I wanted to get over the emotional feelings that I had for my ex. I missed him like crazy, I wanted to hug and kiss him so damn much. Since the first sex was with him, I have experienced such intense-emotional feeling for him.
 
Then I began having one-night stands. When I travelled to Bali for a week, I met a 34-year-old, handsome Jewish American guy, who stayed in Bali for a two-month for vacation. We met each other through Tinder, yep, the famous online dating platform. The sex was amazing and it was filled with emotion. He said that he liked me and I told him the same. But we couldn't do much to continue any further contact in person, since he lives far away from Indonesia. We both knew that our beautiful time in Bali would remain a memory. So I let him go. Then, there were also two Indian guys and one Englishman, with whom I had sex with devoid of all emotions.
 
A week ago, I met another stranger from Ukraine while I was on a business trip to Medan. We had a great time together and we had a good conversation. He’s damn cute, and he made me feel comfortable, so we had sex the whole night. The next day, we both had to leave Medan. Then, just few days ago, I met another man (still via Tinder), in Jakarta. He was also on a business trip and he invited me to a date with him. So we met for dinner, and ended up in his hotel room I instantly felt so fond of him, as he treated me like a princess and praised me with overwhelming compliments. I must say that his mature personality and charm made me melt.
 


Until today, I still communicate with those six guys, simply asking them “how are you” or “what's new in your life”. I would like to conclude that those encounters with the six guys have made me fully understand myself. I now know what kind of man I really want for my lover (handsome, smart and mature as them).
 
I now feel so stupid to have felt so bad about my breakup with my ex. Somehow I feel as if I have been liberated as a woman by knowing that the beautiful soul of the guys that I met actually existed in this world. It opened my eyes and made me realized that I actually deserve a much better man who can treat me gently rather than my stupid-selfish ex.
 
But I have a problem now, after experiencing those intense intimacies (and I definitely still have a big crush on three of the guys I slept with), I wonder if I should stop sleeping around with guys. I am afraid that I can’t control myself, and each day my heart grew numb, as I braced myself to not expect any strings attached with the guys I had sex with.
 
Should I learn to fall in love again and how?
 
Best Regards, 
Lur
 
 
Dear Lur,

Ooooooeeee!! Someone’s been gettin’ some actions.
 
I’m happy that you got over your boyfriend, and realized what a dick he was. I’m happy that you find your self worth and that you know what kind of guy you like. I’m happy that you seem to be in charge of your body and of your own sexual pleasure. Congratulations on all these!
 
First thing first, however: Make sure you wear condom. Always. Nope, no excuse. No “we’re always careful about taking it out before he’s ….(you know)" – that is unacceptable. When you are sexually active with multiple partners, you MUST wear a condom. Read this if you need more convincing.
 
Secondly, know that one night stands are no substitute to meaningful and lasting relationships, and that the sweet and charming guys you slept with for one or two nights may not be that sweet and charming in real life (“real life” means when they’re not trying to bed someone).

So be cautious about your heart and your emotions when you do these Tinder-generated sexathons, in other words, don’t really expect to build an actual relationship with them after you come down from the high of said sexathons. So, forget about pursuing further relationships with those three guys. From my experience, leave good sex as they are, and try not to elevate it into something else.
 
Thirdly, why, silly, of course you can still fall in love! Believe me, you can. Just because you enjoy the occasional (well, maybe more than the occasional) casual sex, doesn’t mean that you’re not entitled to a romantic relationship. Be patient – take your time. Here’s what I said before to someone with similar predicament as you.
 
You don’t need to learn how to fall in love again. You will know when that happens.
 
Take care!
 
~M
 
Got a burning question about something? Send it to [email protected] -- in English or Indonesian -- with the subject "Ask Madge" or tweet your question to @the_magdalene.