February 11, 2015
What to Tell People About My Semi-Closeted Gay Friend

What do you tell those pesky and nosey people who want to know if your semi-closeted gay friend is gay?

by Magdalene
Lifestyle
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Dear Madge,

I have a really close gay friend who is neither really closeted nor very open about his sexuality, mainly because of his job. I get a lot of questions from people about him, including girls who find him attractive. What’s the rule of thumb for this kind of situation? How much should I reveal or hide?
 
*Protective Hag

 
 
Dear Protective Hag,
I can totally relate, sister. My personal policy is stay out of the outing business, but just to be fair, let me get my BFF Downtown Boy to impart you with the wisdom he attained firsthand on this kind of issues.
 



­~M
 
 
Dear Protective Hag,
 
You may be his number one hag but you are not his publicist, so it's not your responsibility to air his sexuality, nor to hide the truth. Your friend has made a choice to live a semi-closeted life and as the old saying goes, everything comes with a price. Some things just cost more than the others.
 
First thing first, your “attractive” gay boy needs to come to his senses what a great asset you are! You now hold the terms and conditions, whether it's a weekly supply of booze or a free pass to online porn (which I'm sure he has) – you need to milk his appreciation and generosity for your own benefits.
 
Secondly, tell those nosy lonely girls to piss off the next time they come around asking whether he's into sword fighting or simply a sucker for jelly caves. Frankly speaking I'd find it an insult. Why do these girls presume that you are just his “ friend”? Are you so mortifyingly ugly that you stand no chance to date this “attractive” pretty boy in the army (you did say something about his job)? 
 
While there's no magic formula to dispel doubts or confirm suspicion of anyone's sexuality, staying nonchalant will not help the situation either. So be aggressive both to his admirers and to your queer friend. 
 
~DB
 
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