I am one of those twenty something-girls who worry too much about the future. But it seems impossible to squirt my stories out in your mailbox. So, I just want to ask the thing that I really fear for now because I am totally clueless how to overcome this matter.
It's been forever since the last time I fell in love. I no longer remember what it feels. In the past two years, I've been sleeping around with some guys. I thought it could make me feel content, because who doesn't like sex? Apparently, I didn't feel that.
The first time I gave up my virginity to a smart, cultured guy who loved me (at least that was what he told me), I felt nothing. I felt empty (kind of an oxymoron, how can you feel the emptiness? But you know what I mean). It was worse than feeling sad and miserable. Long-story short, I ended up dumping him and involved myself in an open relationship with another guy, good looking but moronic as hell. It lasted almost a year (on and off). I kept convincing myself that maybe I deserved him. Maybe, I just had to be patient and bear with him for awhile, until he decided to get himself educated, until he threw away his big screen android, stopped playing clash of clans and started to pick up a book (at least a self-help book about sex, so I didn't have to make a fake moan every time we did it).
But, no! He didn't and he never will. So, we broke up. Not really breaking up, because we never seriously committed in a relationship. We just simply didn't contact each other. Another guy came along. He's got a girlfriend and I couldn't care less. He was just a one-night stand thing to fulfill my sexual need. He was good but then again I wanted to puke every time he praised me because I knew those were lies.
The last sex I had was with my ex-boyfriend, the last guy I was committed to, the last guy I gave my whole heart to, the last guy who’s kept me from moving since years ago. We were still best friends after breaking up almost four years ago, and I didn't know why six months ago we did it. But, what surprised me was that I didn't feel the emotion, the passion that I thought I still had. I kept telling myself when we were having sex that this should have been a passionate sex, because I loved him. That was pathetic I know, but I can't help it. I figured out that I no longer loved him more than just a friend now.
Now, I keep on asking myself, am I bitch? I never had sex with a person I love. I dumped a guy who told me he loved me. I had a sexual affair with another girl's man.
I’ve stopped sleeping around. I want to find the person I love and experience the feelings of falling in love and having sex with a person I care about. But, I don't think I can. Some of my friends kid me by saying I am a cold-hearted girl, but I am vulnerable inside. I don't know how to love anymore. I try to figure it out: Is it because my ex-boyfriend hurt me that much (because during the post-breakup mess I said to myself to never fall in love again)? Is it because of my parents (they’re not divorced, but they no longer love each other, which is worse. And I hate my father)? Is it because subconsciously I am too coward to open my heart again? What?
I want to fall in love again, to feel the agony and the bliss of love. It sounds like I am hopeless-romantic, desperate lunatic but I hope you won't judge because I can't ask this to my best friends
And when someday I fall in love, how do I know that it is love? The genuine one. Not the love constructed by myself because I feel like I have to fall in love.
Oh, boy, I’m reading your email and the thing that comes to my mind is what is your problem again?
For organizational purpose, I’ve summarized your email into this:
- You’ve had sex with men you are not in love with (perfectly fine in my book, as long as you do it responsibly).
- You did not, however, enjoy it, perhaps because the guy was dumb (understandable, I can’t get off on dumb guys either), or you’re not really that attracted to him in the first place, or he’s somebody else’s boyfriend (must stop doing that, it’s not nice and only adds more complications in your life and everyone involved). Btw, girl, never stay with a guy who makes you fake moan. In the beginning it might be tolerable, but to continue doing it seriously will kill your soul.
- You had an ex-boyfriend whom you couldn’t get over (or thought you couldn’t), but when you had sex with him again recently, you realized you no longer had that kind of feeling for him. Surprise: this means you’re over him! Let’s blow the party whistle and pop the champagne – and let’s stop blaming your current lack of romance on this one failed relationship.
- You’re trying to figure out whether you’re really a cold-hearted bitch (as your friends so rudely accuse you of), incapable of loving another person.
And here’s my two cents, particularly on the last question: There really is nothing wrong with you.
Being in love with someone is precious (if your love is mutual and if the person deserves your love, that is), and it doesn’t happen all the time, so if you find yourself not having been in love for some time, it’s really fine.
Here’s an oft-quoted saying that I truly believe in: the right person just hasn’t come along.
It doesn’t seem to me like you have a problem finding a companion, so just enjoy what you have right now. Sex does not always have to involve love (unless you want it to, in which case, just don’t have sex, but you can keep dating people). And don’t blame the apparent absence of love in your parents’ marriage for your current inability to connect with someone romantically. This does not mean you should go out and seek one-night stands actively, but neither should you feel guilty if you think that you’re unable to commit yourself in a relationship with anyone at the moment.
Continue to live your life as a young, thriving person that you are, and don’t fret so much about love. You’ll meet someone interesting, and attractive, whom you might want to jump in bed with instantly, and you might do it. But you might also think that you like this person so much that you would like to wait and see how you really feel about him and how he really feels about you, before you consummate the relationship.
You’ll meet someone, believe me, you will. But not if you go around with a self-defeating attitude that says, ‘I’m a cold bitch, and I’ll never be able to love someone ever again.’
And when you do finally meet someone, you will know it when you’re falling in love again – I don’t need to tell you that. It’s both biology and psychology.
Have fun and take care!
Got a burning question about something? Send it to [email protected] -- in English or Indonesian -- with the subject "Ask Madge" or tweet your question to @the_magdalene.