Hope and faith are two things that I thought I would never have again. My hope and faith vanished as I grew older and experienced things that I didn't expect.
I used to set my expectations so high. I put lots of hope and faith on them, but things didn’t go as I wanted to most of the time. So I lost hope and faith. I started to believe that my 18-year-long life was a game in which I was never supposed to win at anything. By that, I mean I wanted to die. Everything was dark.
In my effort to stay alive, I sought friends and found them. Moving school three times throughout high school certainly helped.
One group of friends – let’s call them “Weeds” – seemed very understanding at first, even to the point of telling each other “I love you.” They made me feel like I was home whenever I was with them. Still, after a long day spent with them, I felt like my energy had been sucked dry. I didn’t feel better. I would lock myself in my room, crying – why and for what I didn’t really now.
Things didn’t get any better over time. Eventually I stopped taking the meds prescribed by my psychiatrist. I would only leave my room if I was going out to see Weeds, even if by then I had realized they were toxic, and that none of them really cared to help me. In fact, my relationships with every one of the Weeds members had become overwhelming.
I attempted suicide more than five times and was hospitalized three times within six months in 2019. Each time I disappeared due to hospitalization, none of them really cared to know where I was. None of them was looking for me. Not that I was looking for their attention, but it made me wonder what they meant when they told me that they loved me, or that they cared about me and that they were there for me.
Things took a worse turn in January this year, which made me run away from home and stay at a hotel. While there, a male friend who would checked on me from time to time called and asked where I was. Though he was far away from the hotel I was staying, he told me to meet him at the nearest mall. When we did, he brought some other male friends who used to hang out with me.
I knew them from my first high school and we rarely talked or texted since, but once we met, we gave each other life updates. We talked about things I couldn’t talk about with Weeds. They listened and accepted me as I was. At my lowest point they made me feel like a human again. One of them – let’s call him M – I had never really hung out with, but that evening we shared our stories.
I thanked the universe for that moment,. for giving me back the feelings that had long gone from me. I came home that day with a smile on my face.
Ever since that day I have kept a distance from Weeds and have started to hang with my old pals more. It has made me feel more alive.
I realize now that if my last suicide attempt had succeeded, what good would it do? I wouldn’t have seen my old friends. M and I would have never met and shared our mutual interests. All of us would’ve lost the chance of having meaningful chats, laughter, and even tears. We would have all lost the chance of having the best times of our lives.
This knowledge is what has kept me going. I decided to never give up. The suicidal thought has not completely gone, but deep inside, deep in the darkness, has emerged a glimpse of hope. It’s what keeps me going: the endless possibilities the universe has in store for me. Baskara Putra said in the song “Evaluasi”: ku masih ingin melihatmu esok hari (I still want to see you tomorrow). Knowing that someone does care and love me not just in words but also action has give me hopes.
So if you can relate to my struggle, there’s so much more in life ahead of you. Your journey isn’t done yet. Everyone’s path is different, and everyone’s path is worth it. Be patient. You’ll find your night lamp. Stay alive.